Caprice-Kwai Is GLAMOUR's Self-Love Cover Star

I’ve not always been accepting of my body. I became Disabled at 10 when I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis, which was an odd age because you’re just starting to work out who you are and form opinions of your body. I had to start using two crutches, which flung me into an identity crisis. It was even worse because everyone around me was different – non-Disabled – so they were able to do all the fun teen things, like go shopping and prepare for prom.

I was lucky, however, to have someone in my corner: my mum. She was there from day one, instilling that confidence in me. 

I used to hate the word Disabled, and I didn’t want to call myself it; I think this was because of my perceptions of Disability when I was growing up. But my mum was instrumental in me becoming OK with the word because she never saw any shame in using it. 

When rude people stopped her in the street and were like, “Oh, my God, what’s happened to your daughter? She’s on crutches!” Mum would just say  “Yes, she’s got a Disability” and I remember being so mad at her in those days, because I’d only ever heard it used as a bad word, but she helped it become neutral for me.

Whenever I would get down on myself, she reminded me that I was good enough and to stop comparing myself to others. The most impactful thing she ever said was, “Just embrace the crutches, embrace your Disability and see where it takes you.” 

My mum’s the reason I started modelling. I hated that I was so underrepresented as a Black Disabled woman, so she would always tell me, “Be the change you want to see.” I’m so glad because modelling has helped me with my self-love journey, and I feel like that helped me to embrace everything about myself and my mobility aid.

I think self-love is just about being unapologetically yourself and embracing everything about yourself. This is hard when you’re Disabled because, growing up newly Disabled, you kind of long for the person that you used to be, but I had to come to terms with the fact I can’t change it; I’ve got to accept it.

“Just embrace the crutches, embrace your disability and see where it takes you.” 

I always use this quote, “Be the woman you needed as a girl to know,” and now I hope that I’m showing younger women who are Disabled and Black that they can do this too; that’s been my motivation over the years.

So, I’ve always tried to change the perception of Disability, a big part of this was the Leonard Cheshire Disabled Looks Like Me campaign, which was a huge campaign on International Women’s Day 2020 to showcase Disabled women, in particular those with invisible Disabilities. It was a T-shirt campaign that gained support from huge names in the disability community, including Selma Blair! I loved working on that because it showed the spectrum of Disability and that it doesn’t just have one look. It was empowering to see it all and to be asked to be a part of it.

The first fashion campaign I landed as a model was with Leigh-Anne Pinnock's swimwear brand In A Seashell. It helped my confidence, but that was all down to the amazing women I was on the shoot with.

I was 18, it was my first time in swimwear and obviously showing my body. I was on set with three other women – and the way they radiated their self-love meant that you couldn’t feel anything but love for yourself in the room; everyone was telling their individual stories. 

I was on the shoot with Sophie Lee, who has keloid scarring from a fire-breathing accident, Diana Sirokai, who is a curve model and Talulah-Eve, who is Britain’s Next Top Model’s first and only transgender model. 

Being a part of this campaign alongside these women made me feel very inspired, because they were just unapologetically themselves and were redefining what society says beauty is. Seeing this made me feel even more inspired to represent people like myself. It just made me feel so empowered, and although I was scared to be putting myself out there, I saw other women putting themselves out there, too, which made me realise I could do this. 

It can be hard having a Disability that fluctuates in nature and eventually gets worse. On one hand, I have embraced it, but it still can be tough. I think the main thing I’ve learned is that I don’t always have to power through. It’s OK to accept that my body doesn’t always work how I want it to and that my leg has changed over the years, and I have scars on it. I can just sit with that and not feel any shame.

I did have a really bad time when I was studying fashion at university when they refused to put my reasonable adjustments in place, and I had to leave. I felt that they had no understanding of Disabled students. I just couldn’t go back, but I did put in a formal complaint, and I got the policies changed at the university. Because of me, they’ve committed to creating tangible, reasonable adjustment policies for Disabled students. They also agreed to provide a Disabled students handbook so all students know the help they’re entitled to and staff training for Disability awareness. 

I feel like that was the first time that I thought, “Wow, you’re a fighter!” It was that kind of situation that could have driven me into the ground, but I kept going because I knew it was the right thing to do. It made me feel empowered.

I just feel like the more shoots that I’ve done, the more my confidence has grown, and the more I love myself. And I always say it’s just an ongoing journey, but it’s made easier because I’ve fully embraced my Disability, my crutches, everything. 

Unfortunately, I have a lot of medical trauma. The feeling of not being believed by doctors has had such a big impact on my journey. I have anxiety and depression because of these negative health experiences, and I get panic attacks. 

However, the online Disabled community has helped me greatly with that because we uplift each other. There’s so much understanding and when someone says 'I believe you' it's like you’re being given permission to love yourself.

Still, there’s a huge difference between who I was when I was first diagnosed to who I am now. I always tell myself, “You’ve got one body; you’ve got one life to live; just embrace it.” But whilst doing this, I’m always careful not to misrepresent the community.

“I’m not here to be an inspirational Disabled person, I’m doing this for me and my community.”

I’m wary of the way I appear to nondisabled people, too, like I’m not here to be an inspirational Disabled person to them, I’m doing this for me and my community. It’s my mission to inspire other Disabled people, but I don’t want to be seen as inspiring by the wrong people.

I think it’s more that we can acknowledge our hardships whilst using them as fuel. I’ve embraced it, but I do have bad days as well. 

Accepting my Disability has helped me to see my body as it really is and acknowledge the fact that life is actually too short to be worrying about how a scar on my leg looks when there are so many more important things than the fact that your leg doesn’t work on a specific day.

I’m very strict with who I follow on social media because I don’t want to fall into comparison traps. I’ll follow what I want to see on my timeline; I like to follow people who are putting themselves out there and spreading a great message.

Thankfully, I haven’t encountered much negativity online. I can only remember one bad comment, and it was just a stupid one on one of my TikTok videos, going, “You’re not disabled; why are you using a crutch?” But that’s none of their business.

Designing my own jewellery and starting my own range, By Caprice-Kwai – which, after a good few years of honing my craft and building behind the scenes, launched in 2021 – has brought me such confidence. I’ve always been into fashion since I was little. I remember telling my mum when I was younger, before I became disabled, “I really want to be a fashion designer.” This feels ridiculous because I was so young, and I’m in fashion now, and this is what I do!

My love of fashion grew so much more when I became Disabled because fashion is a form of expression, and this was at a time when I didn’t have many ways to express myself. I remember being in hospital after a big operation and I couldn’t put on the clothes that I wanted to wear because my leg was in a big machine. 

So, I put on a pair of earrings and that made me feel so empowered; it was a way I could control how I was seen and express myself still whilst feeling so medicalised.

That’s how my love of jewellery and jewellery designing came into play. My brand is all about empowerment and confidence – and the message that despite age, race, disability and gender, it’s for you. I want you to feel how I felt in that moment. And I feel like I’ve found myself more through my brand, and that by empowering others it’s helped me to reclaim more of my Disabled self.

“I don’t care if people stare; I’m doing something I enjoy.”

In terms of the biggest self-care ritual I have, though, it’s cuddling with and walking my dog. 

Nahla is a morkie, a cross between a Maltese poodle and a Yorkshire terrier. Taking her for walks has had such a big impact on my mental health. It’s also helped me rebuild my leg strength, but that’s not why I do it. She’s given me a reason to get out of bed and go out no matter how crap I feel. I guess it’s because when you’re doing something like walking a dog, you focus less on how you’re seen and focus more on just doing what needs to get done.

When I started going out more on my crutches, I used to hate people staring and I would think, “Why are people staring? Is it not normal to use crutches or does my leg look a certain way?” But now when I’m walking my dog, I don’t care if people stare; I’m doing something I enjoy.

I’m at the stage now where I don’t have to feel positive about my body all the time, and that’s OK. I strive more for body neutrality, where I don’t have feelings either way – I’m just content and accepting of who I am. 

Sometimes I forget that I’m only 21 because after becoming Disabled at such a young age, I feel like I experienced some things some adults haven’t experienced. But it’s weird because I also haven’t experienced some of the things people my age have experienced, like finishing school and going to prom – but then I’ve done so many amazing other things, like walking at London Fashion Week! 

The thing is, my Disability is always there – so it can be hard because even when I have a shoot, I’m out like a week after with chronic fatigue, and no one would even know. But at those times, it’s about giving myself the space to recover and just being OK with where I am at that moment. I remind myself I don’t have to push myself; my body is fine as it is.

My jewellery brand empowers me the most, it reminds me to be just unapologetically me and be the representation I didn’t see when I was younger. My logo was a big part of that, I wanted it to show my natural hair and my crutch, both important parts of me that I’m proud of now. 

It’s through advocating for myself as a Disabled person that I’ve been able to advocate for myself as a Black woman, too, because I’ve pushed more for my natural hair on shoots, and I always turn up on set with natural hair and show people how to work with it. I’ve gone onto sets where I’m not just the only Disabled person in the room, but I’m also the only Black person in the room, and that massively needs to change.

If I could tell my teenage self anything, it’d be that it’s hard now, but in a few years you’re going to embrace yourself and just feel so content – and that’s the best feeling.

It can be tough to maintain a sense of empowerment in myself every day, but it’s about remembering that I don’t always have to be strong. I know one thing for sure, though – my 10-year-old self would be so proud of where I am, and that keeps me going.

Journalist: Rachel Charlton-Dailey

Photographer: Aitken Jolly

Stylist: Michelle Duguid

Hair: Lauraine Bailey

Makeup: Sarah Jagger

Manicure: Danni O'Mahoney

Beauty Director: Camilla Kay

Design Director: Dennis Lye

Entertainment Director: Emily Maddick

Production: Dalia Nassimi

Creative Video Producer: Chrissie Moncrieffe 

Purpose Editor: Lucy Morgan 

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